c o l l i s i o n b e n d . c o m

…and it has been rough, let me tell you. I got a lot done, though, but if you look at the SPAM emails I received in the last 24 hours, you’d think I haven’t done enough.

To wit:

“Tracey Teague” thinks I am in search of a university diploma. I am not, thank you very much. I have more of a college education that she’ll ever have — and probably more than most people. Try me on this one…

“Monty Shaffer” says I can increase my… erm… you-know-what size by 3″ by using his patented technique. You really sure I’m that self-conscious about how big I am down there? In a day and age where people use plastic surgery, pills, and just about anything else to enhance their looks, you might think I might be interested. But I’m afraid not, pally: I’m fine just as I am, no more, no less. In fact, I’m probably better endowed than you are.

That’s not saying much, I know, as I’m not all that big (it’s pretty dinky, if you ask me — with the emphasis on “pretty”), but when you get into the territory that these guys are talking about, there’s only one way a guy goes, and I don’t go that route: uh uh, sorry Jack. Even a less-experienced woman knows that it ain’t the size of the gun, it’s the motion of the ocean. The only people who care about the size of that body part are guys that are… well… “a wee bit lavender,” (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) if you know what I mean…

“Euro Software” thinks I can speak German… ‘fraid not, pal, sorry.

“Stuart Page” wants to sell me a watch. Well, maybe not a real watch, but a “repl1ca w4tch.” I guess it’s a real replica of a replica watch. Something. I really don’t know, but I really don’t care, either; I no longer wear a watch: I can’t, as it prevents me from reaching all of the keys on my computer keyboard, which is essential to any Web-based job…

So, now, “Stuart” didn’t get the gist of my non-reply, so “Howie” thought he’d try as well. Sorry, still not biting…

Now here’s something I can really use: “Sylvester Walden” wants to sell me Viagra for US$1.41/pill, or Cialis for US$2.22/pill. Hmmm… that’s only slightly more expensive than my insurance company can get me those same pills, and I can get that prescription from my doctor with a simple phone call and have that prescription filled within an hour — let’s face it: at my “advanced” age, we’ve discussed it. I’m OK so far, so I think I’ll pass… for now…

“Hazel Dernovsek” wants to sell me bling. Not just any bling, mind you, but “fantastic bling of all sorts.” God knows I haven’t enough bling, so I gotta buy more, right? It’s really too bad I’m not into bling of any sort, let alone fantastic bling…

“Lori Hunter” just wants to say ‘Hi!’ I wonder what she wants… maybe I could take my accounts offline and open the email just to take a peek. It’s probably a call to another Web site that is going to either fill my screen with porn, or try to reset my Internet Explorer settings so that all I can ever see is their porn site.

It’s really too bad I use a Mac, isn’t it? Assholes.

Now “Lavern Guy” wants to sell me “waterproof replica watches,” as if I still hadn’t quite made up my mind. Hate to tell him (maybe it’s a “her”?) what I didn’t tell the other guy…

And then there are those idiots that send email in foreign languages, using Cyrillic or Asian typefaces. Sorry, but I am at a loss with this one. I’m an American. My family has been in this country for almost 400 years. REPEAT: 400 YEARS. English is my primary language, even though I have a German last name.

I sport the “Standard Midwestern American English Accent” so treasured by US broadcasters that in college I was trained in public speaking without my consent (I have a good speaking voice, so they made it an educational requirement by decree — they could do those things back in the 70s), so that I might have a future as a broadcaster one day. Little did they (or I) know at the time… ;-)

But, I digress.

So why send me a sales message in a language I can neither understand nor comprehend, let alone read? Cheap broadcast is one thing, but Common Sense is another.

But… wait a minute… we’re talking about spammers here… Common Sense is certainly NOT one of a spammer’s essential core qualities…

Silly me.

Here’s a second interesting piece of trivia: what do all of the following actors and actresses have in common (hint: read the title of this post):

• Martin Landau
• Ida Lupino
• Martin Balsam
• Gig Young
• Joe Flynn
• Jack Warden
• Ted Knight
• Jean Marsh
• Burgess Meredith
• James Franciscus
• Ross Martin
• Inger Stevens
• Dick York
• Jeff Morrow
• Vera Miles
• Martin Milner
• Roddy McDowell
• Ivan Dixon
• Sebastian Cabot
• Jack Klugman
• Orson Bean
• Anne Francis
• Keenan Wynn
• Donna Douglas
• William Shatner
• Patricia Breslin
• Art Carney
• Arte Johnson
• Agnes Moorehead
• Jonathan Harris
• Don Rickles
• Buddy Ebsen
• Bill Mumy
• Cliff Robertson
• Dennis Weaver
• Charles Bronson
• Elizabeth Montgomery
• Jonathan Winters
• Peter Falk
• Lee Marvin
• Lee Van Cleef
• Cloris Leachman
• Buster Keaton
• William Windom
• Dean Stockwell
• Leonard Nimoy
• Robert Redford
• Frank Sutton
• Carol Burnett
• Donald Pleasence
• Bill Bixby
• James Doohan
• Ann Jillian
• Robert Duvall
• William Sargent
• Julie Newmar
• James Broderick
• Joyce Van Patten
• Burt Reynolds
• Mickey Rooney
• Telly Savalas
• James Coburn
• Sir Cedric Hardwicke
• Richard Basehart
• Greg Morris
• Robert Lansing
• Mariette Hartley
• Wally Cox
• William Demarest
• Alan Sues
• Jackie Cooper
• George Takei

All of the actors and actresses listed above starred in the original run of the TV series The Twilight Zone in the early-1960s.

While writing about the Outer Limits TV show, and after Joel Libava’s comment, I thought I’d do the other show.

Remember this?

“There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space… and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition… and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call… The Twilight Zone.”

You couldn’t make a TV show today with all of those people in it — there’s too many of them.

OK, here’s the scene: we’re coming home from dinner at Applebee’s in Mayfield. We have an iPod (not mine) hooked up to the USB port connected to the car stereo, and the car is equipped with Microsoft Sync. This is exactly how this conversation went down, word-for-word, verbatim:

• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Duran Duran.”
• Car: “Playing artist Carrie Underwood.”
• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• (More clearly and deliberately) “Play artist Dur-RAN.”
• Car: “Playing artist Barry Manilow.”
• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Go f*** yourself!”
• Car: “Playing artist the Arkies” (the Archies)
• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Billy Joel.”
• Car: “Playing artist Billy Joel.”

Interestingly enough, the Billy Joel tune the car decided to play was “Innocent Man.”

Needless to say, I’m reprogramming my bride’s iPod.

~~~~~~~~~~

Now, this is the conversation I imagine having if we had connected my iPod:

• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Eric Clapton.”
• Car: “Playing artist Eric Clapton.”
• Car: “NOW you’re talking! Clapton is GOD!”

~~~~~~~~~~

And while I’m on the topic of Applebee’s: I was always raised to take my hat off when I entered a public building — it was something that a gentleman always did, as a matter of politeness, good manners, and common courtesy.

Tonight, I watched at least 5 grown men, sitting at tables, dining, wearing hats. One even wore a hoodie over his baseball cap, as if he was trying not to be seen, drinking a bottle of beer (not a glass).

Where have our manners gone?

~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, one of them who was not handicapped in the least — nor was anyone in his party — had parked his brand-spanking-new Cadillac Esaclade in the handicapped spot right out front. They all jumped into the car — not one struggled. Not one looked the least bit guilty about it, either.

Yes, he had a placard hanging from the mirror, but I’m wondering: how much did he pay for it?

Twelve days into 2008 and I have written absolutely nothing.

Shame on me. Other than having a lot going on, both personally and professionally, I just haven’t had the time to sit down and keep Dear Constant Reader (that would be you) posted on the goings-on and what-not.

Issue #1 for me is that I’m terribly busy at work. A couple of clients are keeping me going, and I find myself doing more and more each day — which is a good thing for me professionally, but it’s bad for me here.

Issue #2, if you are aware of what I’m facing, has also been an issue, what with doctor’s appointments and such. Wednesday is D-Day; for those of you who don’t know about this, I’ll write more later this week.

Issue #3 is (well, was) the Bucks in the NCAA National Championship Game this week.

<rant>Let’s face it: the Bucks had no business being there; had there been a playoff system, they wouldn’t have made it to the final game.

I’m not dissin’ da’ Boys, nor giving up on them: I’m just being blunt — and honest. I’m proud to say that I went to The Ohio State University (I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything!), and I’m proud to be a dedicated Buckeye fan: I fly a black Block-O flag on the house on game day; I wear Scarlet & Gray on Fridays; this is the first year I haven’t redesigned my Web site for Michigan week (I got half-way there, OK? Time-Warner scotched that idea when they busted negotiations with the Big Ten Network — I would have been home redesigning for the game that day); I have ‘colors’ hanging in my cube at work.

Hell, even my last three cars have been some combination of Scarlet & Gray!

So I’m not saying that the Buckeyes are a bad team, or that Jim Tressel is a bad coach — far from it. This was a rebuilding reload year for OSU; nobody, at the beginning of this season, even expected the Bucks to so well in the Big Ten, much less play for the National title.

So winning the Big Ten, beating Michigan (yet again), being in the NCAA Top 10 — all of this is a testament to the quality of Jim Tressel’s coaching and recruiting abilities. He is, most likely, the best (or one of the best) head coaches in NCAA football: in a reload year, they didn’t win the Big Game, so quit your whining. Just being there was the feat-and-a-half; let that be the end of that discussion, OK?</rant>

So what’s on tap for 2008 at the Bend?

Wednesday. Getting through Wednesday. Say a prayer, OK? Thanks in advance.

Golf lessons. Yes, you read that right, golf lessons. I always wanted to learn how to play the game, and the bride has made the same desire known, so we’re going to do it. I’ll keep you posted; I’m sure there will be a new category in the old blog soon.

Speaking of the old blog (it’ll be 4 years old this April), it’s getting a redesign — actually two designs, both versions of the same theme, and it’ll have a better focus on usability and accessibility, more up-to-date code, upgraded WordPress, a couple of new wrinkles, etc. Look for it in about a month or two. It’s cool, if I do say so myself.

I’m having thoughts about returning to my dojo, although he is in Akron, so I’m not sure how that will work out. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have any teaching students in the Cleveland area anymore, so if I return to him, I’ll have to drive a long way. Yeeesh!

I’m probably going to write more about the Web and designing/developing for the Web than I have in the past; I’m doing more — and making more and more “Command Decisions” every day for clients — as my experience and scope both grow, my comments will as well, I’m sure. I’ve noted too much lately that I could — and probably should — comment on, both good and not-so-good, and some points cry out to be made, and it surprises me that none of the big dogs out there have said anything about some of it.

I’m going to bring back the Recto-Cranial Invert of the Month Award (non Web design-oriented, thank you). Every month, on the last day of the month, I’ll give the Award to the person (or persons) most deserving of being honored for their absolute brainlessness. Kind of like a “News of the Weird,” or “Knuckleheads in the News.” Who knows? I might even open it up to voting, if I can polish my PHP skills enough…

So 2008 will be for me a year of refocus, redesign, redevelopment (both personal and professional), and re-application.

Let’s hope I can get through at least half of it.

So I upgraded to Leopard last week. Great. I love it.

Today, I can’t seem to log on to my roadrunner email — outbound only. So I connect to roadrunner tech support (live chat), and the idiot online tells me it’s an Apple issue — after I had already determined that it was the Roadrunner SMTP server that was at fault.

My God, it must be hard finding good help these days…

As far as Roadrunner goes, I find also that a Mac user can’t access anything on their support site — even when you have the latest Flash plugin, the latest this plugin, and the latest that plugin. They don’t even list OS X in their support documents.

The kid that took care of me, Jason, tried to treat me like an idiot. Hehe…

I called him on it.

And, like a dog bent on revenge, I left them a little calling card: I turned on Terminal, told it to ping the roadrunner SMTP IP address, and left it pinging. It’s still pinging, almost two hours later…

It serves them right.

~~~~~

Today was Election Day, and, as my usual, I served my community.

Early. And often. Hehe…

No, seriously, I did vote properly this election.

Up for grabs this year was Euclid mayor. Here’s the real deal, from a Euclid resident:

The city is, today, FAR better off than before Cervenik took office. Far better off. It’s better policed, better served by its civil services, and has far less “bad” trouble than it had before Cervenik came to term. Beyond that, with this, you have to wonder about Gudenas.

Ed Gudenas couldn’t have improved on it, either: both lawsuits, the federal lawsuit concerning voter precincts and implied racism, plus the other lawsuit about the new church development — went forward because of the actions of Ed Gudenas, not Bill Cervenik. We’d be in worse trouble under Gudenas today had he been in office rather than Cervenik — and there’s no doubt about it.

This election, Gudenas had the gall to mail a leaflet that deplored the fact that Euclid has over 850 homes for sale.

SO WHY THE HELL HASN’T HE BOUGHT ONE?

Of all the gall.

*I* bought in Euclid; it’s because of Gudenas — a neighbor — that I’m sorry I did. (By the way, I have at least 4 other links to that story and/or its ramifications. And: I’m a neighbor — trust me — Gudenas has done nothing for Euclid.)

Cervenik was the obvious choice.

I can only hope that the rest of Euclid could see this; we’ll have to wait until late tonight or early Wednesday to find out, however, as the local TV stations aren’t even providing a ticker (and it’s already 9:00 p.m.)…

~~~~~

I still have issues with the way people drive here… After getting cut off by at least three drivers that decided that the lane they were in wasn’t fast enough, I was courteous to a guy getting on the ramp at the Innerbelt Southbound at Prospect Avenue at 8:00 this morning. He was going a little slow, but I let him on in front of me anyway. I was being courteous.

He proceded to drive at 25 mph all the way through the I-77 ramp and onto I-77.

No faster.

I rarely give the finger to anyone on the road, but I was forced this morning — talk about inconsiderate — talk about hanging someone else out to dry: I almost got clobbered by a huge truck because of this guy.

Next time, I won’t let him in, sorry. Not putting my life up for grabs when others are out there taking everything they can.

~~~~~

Meh. That’s enough for now.

Go Bucks!